The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
