Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just want to make out with him forever
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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