so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
