my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
tell me about the eggs
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
