I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
