What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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