I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
As shirtless as possible
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
