I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
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My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
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he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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