you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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