So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
