She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
