Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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