I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
