i love accidental penises.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
