Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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