y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
