good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
