It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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