i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just gargled with NyQuil
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
