turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
