don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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