dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
