she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
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I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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