is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
