There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
