Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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