Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
This is classic penis vs brain.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
