Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
