It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
