I faked an abortion last night.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
