so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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