my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
