theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
