apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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