rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
