I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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