it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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