I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
