ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
