If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Dating After Heartbreak
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.