just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.