My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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