You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
