is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
