do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
