Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
