I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Randomize
