Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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