Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
