whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
