i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I cut my penus on the lid.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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