He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
