it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
