when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
