i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
