If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
