after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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