dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
