if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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