The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
