His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize